The following page contains a set of jokes of a HIGHLY OFFENSIVE yet hilarious nature. The key word in the last sentence is JOKES.
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A sexual position in which both parties simultaneously perform oral sex on each other.
3.5 grams of cocaine with a street value of approximately $160, but you can usually get it for $120 if you know a guy.
A disease engineered by the government to kill gay people and minorities. Its only known cure is being rich. Before you have a heart attack and start writing us a strongly worded letter, take a deep breath and know we are fucking kidding. Everyone knows the real definition of AIDS is Charlie Sheen.
The best way to dispose of a low-level Cartel member that dropped the ball on a minor Coke deal.
An amphetamine salt, prescribed to people with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) or lazy college kids who can't finish their homework.
At least they still have holes to fit things in.
The type of sex you have when your boyfriend gets drunk and misses. (AKA being fucked in the butt.)
A sex toy comprised of a series of beads on a string that is placed inside the asshole and slowly pulled out. WARNING: if your necklace smells like shit, it's not a necklace.
The act of making a brown asshole white by means of bleaching the skin around the hole. AKA gentrification of the asshole.
Immediately after you cum in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out of her nose, causing her to involuntary do an impersonation of an angry dragon.
An epic metal band for the 80's or something we hope you never mistake for cocaine.
An extremely attractive partner, male or female, that you bring out in public to make people jealous as fuck.
A really terrible burger or a person wired a bit differently. One is outright disgusting and the other is oddly endearing.
Someone who makes an ass out of himself by acting like a clown, better described as a social buffoon.
1. A place where poop comes out.
2. The place you get to put your penis on your birthday.
3. A mean-spirited dickhead.
This is an acronym for Ass To Mouth, not something you get your cash out of.
A way to achieve an orgasm so epic that it becomes a near death experience.
Baby's Arm holding an Apple:
A penis so large that it bears a striking resemblance to a baby's arm holding an apple. This is most common amongst black men so it might be more accurate to say a baby's arm holding a plum.
The guy who waited too long to pull out. AKA the father of your child.
Tan rectangular shit stains left in someone's underwear.
Bait and Tackle:
Cock and Balls.
An extremely annoying human being that's so miserable to be around it feels as if your balls are being smashed.
What the waiter at the restaurant scrapes on to your food after you send it back.
Clever slang for a wrinkly butthole.
The act of burying one's penis so far into another human's orifice that all that is left is the balls.
A male thong.
A person just above the legal age of sexual consent. 18 years old in normal society, 16 years old in Kentucky, and 14 in parts of Canada. Jesus, Canada. If only Jared Fogel was Canadian, he might be still selling foot longs instead of taking them. For the record, fucking 14 year olds is super fucked up.
Somebody who sells alcohol at a bar. AKA the only person who really understands you.
Bat shit crazy:
Every woman. EVER.
Drugs for poor people and inbreeds that will make homeless peoples' faces seem like McDonalds cheeseburgers (side note: if you do bath salts, you have officially failed at life.)
The reason my bean and cheese burrito is other fucking level.
A very hairy clam that hangs out at the bar by the docks telling salty tales of the sea...or just a very hairy pussy that's tough to get into.
A magic elixir that turns sad feelings into happy feelings and makes people more attractive. (side note: if you drink too much beer, it will turn happy feelings into sad feelings and make you less attractive.)
A phenomenon that occurs when the consumption of beer turns a three into a ten.
the game the guy at the frat house was playing before he raped you.
A device that pumps beer out of a keg and into your cup.
How someone who speaks ebonics pronounces blow job. "She Be-Heading me so good".
What your man's rainmaker leaves on your tummy.
1. The act of engaging in sexual relations with an animal.
2. Something lonely people do when they have too much of two things: time and peanut butter.
Big Dick Player:
An individual who is widely successful. Like-helicopter-pad-on-their-yacht-type successful. (Side note: actually having a big dick is not a requirement.)
The last face you see after you say, "this drink tastes funny."
Spending time with your friend who has a three year old.
Birth Control Pills:
Are way more convenient than abortions.
A person who engages in sexual activities with members of both genders. Something every guy secretly wishes his girlfriend is.
Kristen McNeilson. She said she would go to my 6th grade "Under the Sea" dance with me, but she showed up with Justin Ellis instead. FUCK THAT BITCH.
A pimp's inner child crying for help.
Fucking a Black dude on Friday.
A black person holding a flashlight. HA! Seriously though, it's a super cool ultraviolet light that makes fluorescent colors glow, optimal for stoney music listening sessions.
The act of drinking alcohol to such excess that it erases your memories from the night before. What every guy "says" he was when he cheated on his girlfriend. Take it from us ladies, he remembers EVERYTHING. As a matter of fact, is he in the room with you right now? Stare at him. Just stare at him. Is he getting nervous? Is he uncomfortable? Good. Dump that lying cheating fuck.
Cheap Mexican Heroin.
A piece of fabric or silk that is placed over the eyes to block one's vision. Spoiler Alert: if your partner is into wearing a blindfold during sex, they're not kinky; you're just ugly.
Breakfast of champions.
Slang for cocaine. Also, a dope ass Johnny Depp movie.
Blow a load:
When semen shoots out of the tip of a man's penis like confetti.
When a penis is sweetly suckled upon. Appropriately named because a woman would rather work a 12-hour shift at her job than actually give you one of these.
Blow up doll:
An inflatable sex toy that resembles a surprised Asian.
When a man's testicles become swollen and sore from storing too much ejaculate.
A strain of marijuana that will get you so high you will think you turned into the blueberry from the Fruit of the Loom commercials.
The act of getting a blow job while taking a shit. (Side note: if your girl gives you one of these, marry her.)
The act of restraining someone during sex by using straps and ties.
A device used for smoking marijuana. Or, if you ask your mom, it's that funny smelling vase in your room.
1. A music festival.
2. A good place to take drugs.
A surgical procedure wherein a woman gets her breasts enlarged in order to charge more for her lap dances.
Inviting someone over for the sole purpose of sexual relations. Pretty much any guy that calls you past 10 P.M. and asks you to "Netflix and chill."
To be kept out of reach of children and emo kids.
Box of Wine:
Nothing says high class quite like cheap wine in a cardboard box.
Brazilian Fart Porn:
A type of pornography where Brazilian women fart in each others' faces.
When a girl waxes her pubic hair completely off. (Side note: If your boyfriend insists on you having one of these, he may or may not be a pedophile.)
Breaking and entering:
Unlawfully entering someone else's property. Also known as how crackheads spend their weekend.
When someone is too ugly to fuck, but you're too horny to care. This is a clever work around. Place a brown bag over the hideous fucker's face and enjoy.
Turning the fuck up, or scientifically known as "getting cray."
The act of fucking a girl from behind, firmly gripping her breasts, and whispering something horrendous in her ear that will cause her to buck like a bronco (Example: "You have herpes too, right?")
When a girl is buried in the sand up to her neck, leaving only her head exposed, while a small army of distinguished gentleman unleash a torrent of seminal fluids upon her nubile head.
A lesbian that looks like she could beat the shit out of your dad.
An ingeniously small apparatus from which to snort cocaine.
Someone whose words are turds.
What better way to see who deserves your dollar.
An art and music festival in the Nevada desert. I went to burning man this year...Or wait, was it four years ago? Or wait, am I there now? I haven't come down yet.
Bust a Nut:
When a guy cums so hard it feels like he cracked his nut in half.
Busted My Plugger:
An Australian term for when your anus takes a beating. Used in a sentence - I was banging the rugby team last saturday night while i was on the rag so they had no choice but to bust my plugger.
A long poo that curls around the bowl without breaking taking the shape of a long curled up snake.
Adorable slang for a homosexual man.
A sex toy that's placed in the butt. Think about it like a pacifier for your anus.
When her body is smoking hot, "butter face" is jacked up.
Butter your Muffin:
Generously glazing the outside of a woman's vagina with semen.
Think of them as the little Kentucky Derby rider of the desert with turbans.
A vagina wedgie so severe that it resembles the toe of the friendly and majestic animal known as the camel.
Canadian Home Invasion:
When your partner fucks you with a denim strap on and uses maple syrup for lube.
Ravers adorned in a fuck-ton of plastic, beaded jewelry known as "candy."
A chick that swallows.
An individual who performs the act of cunnilingus, aka oral sex, on a woman.
Half my DMs.
Cat in the tub:
The act of shoving your balls into another person's asshole. This highly elusive and technical sex move got its name because it is a difficult as keeping a cat in a tub.
Has ruined more female lives than ovarian cancer.
The OG cockblocker.
What the D-bag at the bar says before he slips a roofie in your drink.
Chicks with dicks:
A man with breast implants.
Any kid under the age of 13 with a talent agent.
Really pure heroin.
The reason your asshole looks like a deformed hula hoop.
The dick she used to stuff in the FBI's mouth to keep quiet.
Adorable slang for a butthole.
Choke the chicken:
The act of a man ferociously masturbating.
When you're really into fucking someone's personality.
Church of Satan:
Doesn't give a fuck if two dudes get married. Just sayin...
When several men sit in a circle and jerk the man to the right of them off, thus creating a geometric sexual horror.
Cleaning the Pipes:
When a man cums out of sheer necessity because it has been far too long.
When you shit on a girl's chest. (Side note: if a girl lets you do this to her, we are guessing her father wasn't around much.)
A great place to take drugs. I think there might be music there as well.
Coat Hanger Abortion:
The cheapest and most effective way to not have a baby.
The first step in a long process that starts somewhere in Columbia, and eventually ends with you needing to poop and then telling anyone around you a bunch of annoying, pointless stories. BEST. NIGHT. EVER.
What every chick's FUGLY friend is.
An individual who thoroughly enjoys the practice of putting cocks into their mouth.
Before there was Viagra, there was the cock ring. This little gem would trap whatever blood you could muster into your penis and hold it there so you could at least fake an erection.
The act of being smacked in the face by a penis.
A very unattractive term for dick diamond...jizz.
The reason my asshole has answered all of my work emails today.
The apparatus through which cocaine is snorted.
When someone slits your throat and pulls your tongue out the hole, causing your tongue to double as a necktie.
I'm not saying only black people drink colt 45.....but mostly black people drink colt 45.
A way to totally ruin sex for the dude. So you chicks can understand, it's like the equivalent of getting a back rub while wearing a leather jacket. Come on, just look at him. He doesn't look like he has any STDs. I'd trust him.
A sex move that is the American equivalent of the Swedish helicopter.
Slang for a butthole. You will fully comprehend the origin of this slang a few hours after eating an ear of corn on the cob. #Vomit
A hot old woman who fucks young dudes.
Not the type you order at a seafood restaurant. These disgusting creatures live in your pubic hair.
Who knew that adding baking soda could take cocaine from a fun Friday night to a life-ruining event?
When a pregnant woman smokes so much rock, she turns her umbilical cord into a crack pipe.
A stereotypical white male. Think: checkered shorts, a fanny pack, and Birkenstocks.
An abandoned home where crackheads gather to discuss current affairs and smoke crack.
An apparatus from which crack is smoked.
A woman who trades sex for crack.
When a woman pushes cum out of her asshole.
When two dudes gingerly touch tips.
The act in which a man empties his load into a girl's mouth, and then the adorable little scamp begins to blow bubbles with his cum.
A girl whose vagina has become a receptacle for copious amounts of a wide variety of different men's semen.
Cum in the back door:
The act of blowing one's load inside the petite and cozy orifice known as the anus.
The masterful and delicate art of licking the vagina.
Opposite of a dick kick.
Something you get if you're a full blown rookie...Really, suck it up you cheap fuck and take the 6$ Uber.
One of the most elusive and dangerous sex acts of all time. D.V.D.A. refers to double vaginal, double anal. Which, if you're doing the math correctly that means 7 cocks in 3 holes...wait, that's not right. Damn you public education system.
A frumpy male body shape that Leonardo DiCaprio made seem desirable. The trend quickly died when women realized they were not getting plowed on the deck of a yacht in the south of France by an Oscar winner, but instead being asthma-wheeze fucked in the back of a double-wide by a Circle K employee.
In addition to pudding eating and sweater wearing, one of Bill Cosby's favorite hobbies.
When you're having sex with a nice girl doggie style and you wet willy her ear, stick your dick in her ass, then fish hook her mouth. Hold on tight cause that tuna gonna swim (for the record this sounds more like a sex crime than a sex move). If a dude pulls this on you, you have our permission to Lorena Bobbit his ass.
A Saran Wrap-like substance placed over the vagina allowing you to lick that diseased cooter without coming away with face AIDS.
A small trampoline placed inside a woman's vagina. This does not prevent pregnancy, but it does give the sperm something to do for a while.
Peeing out of your butt.
The cheddery build up inside the foreskin of an unwashed, uncircumcised penis. WARNING: Not to be spread on crackers.
When your friend who has been palming his sweaty ball bag decides to dip his hands into the community bowl of chips turning a batch of classic lays into a horrific pile of salt and vinegar.
Voluptuous lips that would feel truly divine cascading down the shaft of an erect penis.
Every girls reaction to every dic pic ever.
The very talented art of drawing a mustache on someone's face with poo.
A sex move that involves two men, one of which must be uncircumcised. They will stand across from one another and touch the erect tips of their dicks against one another. The uncircumcised man will then roll his foreskin over the dick of the uncircumcised man, effectively "docking" onto the other man's penis.
A woman who sexually dominates a man, usually through humiliation and bondage.
Donald Trump's Toupee:
The dead mammal that is 1 part Alpaca and 2 Parts Orangutan sitting on top of Donald Trump's head.
More of sex crime than an actual sex move. This refers to when a man is fucking a woman from behind and punches her in the back of the head, forcing her to caw like a donkey.
The infamous Tijuana donkey show refers to a woman fornicating with a donkey. A group of lost souls actually pay to watch it.
Refers to that highly-motivated and forward-thinking individual who is holding a drink in each hand.
When two men bang the same chick at the same time.
Somebody who is an absolute embarrassment to him or herself, yet completely oblivious to the fact of how tragic they are. Think Kanye West.
The reason you can find cocaine within a 10-mile radius of where you are right now.
The person whose number you've deleted out of your phone over a dozen times. You swear you're never going to call him again. Then you've had three drinks and now you're texting me asking what his number is. I just gave it to you last weekend, Steve. Man up and quit pretending you don't like drugs.
The Goodwill drop off for unfit mothers.
The unsettling, yet pleasant experience of farting in a blanket and then pulling it over your head.
Slang for licking a girl's vagina.
Eating the placenta:
What Tom Cruise did to Katie Holmes.
Proof that mother nature is a racist bitch.
Underwear you can eat off of your lover. It may be edible, but it isn't going on any menus anytime soon. That shit's gross.
Edward 40 Hands:
An infamous drinking challenge wherein a brave soul duct tapes two 40-ounce malt liquors into each hand and cannot remove them until the beverages are finished.
When you're riding a dude who thinks it's okay to parkinson's pound that Va-Jay-Jay.
Electric Daisy Carnival:
1. A music festival.
2. A good place to take drugs.
What your girlfriend needs after she sees your ex's name pop up in your texts.
The act of deeply penetrating someone with a sexual gaze.
When a male shoots a series of seminal strings containing around 180 million would be children on a female's face.
Clever slang for testicles.
That thing you hold in for the first two months that you're dating somebody.
A four-step process described below:
1. Deposit semen into asshole (typically by ass-fucking).
2. Retrieve straw.
3. Insert straw into semen-infested asshole.
4. Suck semen out of asshole through straw.
An intelligent empowered woman who believes in equality for all. OR, an absolute fucking nightmare who is offended by everything and fights to get unicorns banned from the internet because their phallic head abominations are a direct degradation to women everywhere.
A sexual obsession of abnormal sexual activities.
The arch nemesis of every abortion doctor.
TThe act of penetrating a woman's vagina with the fingers. Or what your fourteen-year-old daughter is letting their crush do to them while you play our game.
The thing that starts and stops every school shooting.
A cinnamon flavored whiskey.
A smelly vagina.
A sexy undergarment, most commonly worn by hookers and all chicks on Halloween.
The act of placing your fist into a woman's vagina or anus. Basically, what you're going to have to do with a chick if she ever dated Shaq.
A rubber vagina, attached to the end of a flashlight-shaped apparatus.
Flick the bean:
Kinda off-putting slang for a woman rubbing her clitoris, I mean really, the last thing I want to think about when I'm down there is Mexican food.
A drinking game that is set up like a relay race. Teams must drink the alcohol in their cup, set it on the table and flip it 180 degrees, so it lands on the rim before the next person on their team can attempt this bodacious task. The first team to have all players complete this first wins. I feel like we need to bash this harder because we were so ruthless with beer pong. So lets say; Flip Cup, The only thing you learn at community college.
Spitting on your hand and rubbing it on the puss so the D slides in easier. Ha! Foreplay is pretty much all the awesome stuff you do to a person before commencing the act of sexual intercourse. (Fun little side note: If you do it right, you don't even need to spit on your hand; that shit is ready to go!)
Frank and Beans:
Appropriate and rather hilarious slang for dick and balls.
Smoking cocaine. I just vomited in my mouth typing that out. Don't smoke cocaine, children. Snort it like classy people do.
Friends with Benefits:
A friend you have sex with outside the parameters of a traditional relationship. WARNING: Guys, she says she is cool with this, but she is not. She is literally counting the times you guys bang and once it reaches whatever threshold she has set in her head, you are her boyfriend. Let me put it like this: If you look around and you both are chilling in your PJ's, eating take-out, watching a movie and banging, you're dating.
A boy with the emotional depth of a rain puddle, whose only useful head dangles between his legs.
Somebody who is just so fucking retarded.
The reason why Godzilla will be a documentary in 20 years.
Hilarious and juvenile slang for gay men. See, some clever individual equated poop with fudge, and packing with the fact another man rams his dick inside the butt where the "Fudge" is, inadvertently packing it in there. Ahh, the times we live in....magical.
An individual who likes to get dressed in a large, furry animal costume and fuck...hard.
A spot in the vagina, that, if stimulated, will make a woman cum so hard she will look and sound like she has Down Syndrome.
The video you hope never resurfaces when your kids are asking about your group activities in college.
The act of spreading a bodily orifice open as wide as it will go.Gay bar:
A place where gay people go to socialize with one another.
Slang for someone's ability to tell if someone is gay or not without even asking.
Terminology for drug paraphernalia used for shooting heroin.
The gender ambiguous individual behind the counter at Starbucks named Sam, with the short fro, linebacker chin, and Angelina Jolie lips, who is just chunky enough to make you wonder if those are tiny boobs or giant man titties.
The art of not calling back that fugly charity case you slept with the other night back...no matter how many "last night was a blast" message you get for them.
Someone who purposefully gives someone an STD.
A type of gun.
The act of peeing on someone, or how R. Kelly spends a Tuesday.
A vibrator so old, it started with a pull cord.
A strain of Marijuana.
Slang for a woman with an excessively hairy vagina. Any woman in a 70's porn flick.
An unacceptable substitute for a blowjob.
A massage that ends in an orgasm and usually a poor Asian woman crying in a back room wondering how her life ended up this way.
A crime perpetrated on another human being based on their race, religion or sexual orientation. usually committed by highly educated and spiritually evolved individuals...in case my tone was lost through art of the written word, that was sarcasm.
Heels to Jesus:
When the missionary position goes deep in the paint.
You have it.
Hillary Clinton's Penis:
What she took from Bill after the whole Monica debacle.
(to the theme of the hookie pookie) You put some molly in, you bust some mushrooms out, You do the hippie flip.
Wanted to exterminate the Jews but ironically the only thing he made go extinct were people naming their kids Adolf and funny little mustaches.
A person who makes a living killing other people. Sounds pretty terrible. I'm guessing their childhood left a bit to be desired.
Hole in one:
Screwing a chick on the first date.
When Jesus takes a shit.
Dat otha bitch!
A person who is solely attracted to members of the same gender.
A man who uses his sexual prowess to manipulate people.
A woman who rents out her vagina in small time increments.
Smoking so much weed inside you car that it seeps out the window and looks like a toaster on fire.
I'm not sure how putting cellophane on someone's chest and then taking a steamy dump on it became to be know as a Hot Carl... wait... maybe there was a hot dude name carl and this was his thing... ahhhh now that make sense.
When you're banging your lady doggy style and she facing an open window. You pull out real fast and let your friend hiding behind you jump in and take your place unbeknownst to your lady, you then run around to the outside of that window and appear and wave to her. Abracadabra bitch!!!
The reason "Massage Parlors" are such a booming industry.
Hung like a horse:
Referring to a male's genitals that are as large as a horse's. I would just like to say, no thank you. I mean, let's be honest, when's that last time the bottom 3 inches of their dick were inside anything? If you were cold, you wouldn't put on half a sweater, would you? No, I'm fine with my average-sized penis. If anything, I envy dudes with small dicks. They can get balls deep in a belly button.
Slang for METH.
When your mother knows your sister got her period because your dick tastes funny.
Much like actual trolls who live under a bridge and harass passersby. Internet trolls live underground in their mom's basement and harass anyone who posts on the internet.
The place we all hope Khaleesi ends up sitting on after season 8.
A group of dudes who would probably have a severely different take on life if they were able to pound a beer and have some bacon.
A sex toy that is replacing boyfriends across the world.
An underage girl who looks like a fully developed woman.
Japanese Octopus Porn:
Ok, so we were sitting in the office thinking of cards for the game, and I was like "Lets just make some crazy shit up, like Japanese Octopus Porn." And as it turns out, its a fucking thing! It exists! I don't know why I was surprised that a culture that is okay showing you shitting on a school girl, but blurs out pubic hair would have something like this, but I was. So Google it.
The act of cumming in someone's mouth then punching them in their nose so the cum and blood mix like jelly. I'm just gonna go ahead and say these people belong in jail.
Jesus Fucking Christ:
When Jesus masterbates.
A man who woke up to his wife cutting off his penis. His wife then jumped into their car and proceeded to drive down the road with his severed penis in hand, finally to throw it out the window into a park where children were playing. His penis was later found and reattached. No joke here. This is an actual account of what really happened.
A marijuana cigarette.
1. A delicious and inebriating concoction consisting of the ball sweat and sperm of a CHUKOTKO TRIBESMAN.
2. A delicious and inebriating concoction consisting of the last few ounces of various bottles of hard liquor, some powdered fruit juices and (optionally) the ball sweat and sperm of a CHUKOTKO TRIBESMAN.
Junk in the trunk:
Slang for an ample Gluteus Maximus.
Just the tip:
A reference to when a man just puts the tip of his penis inside of a vagina. A sheer impossibility, like saying just one Pringle, or just one line, or just one episode Game of Thrones.
The dream-like state one gets caught in when doing ketamine.
A super old book that is the equivalent of Googling different ways to fuck.
A large metal barrel filled with liquid reasons to eat Jack In The Box at 3am.
The act of being held upside down while you drink directly out of the keg for at least 10 seconds. (Hint: This is never impressive nor hard to do. This is not Top Gun -- you being "inverted" isn't going to get you laid by your super hot instructor. Maybe if Highway to the Danger Zone is playing then fine. But only maybe.)
A small amount of cocaine that is to be snorted of the end of a key. Classy.
What every Kindergarten teacher makes her class do after lunch.
A group of cross-eyed mouth breathers who believe Blacks and Jews are unnatural, but fucking your sister is okay.
A drinking game that gets you super turnt.
Someone who is overtly nice to another person in order for personal gain, or because they are infatuated with them.
Lance Armstrong's Testicle:
Karma is a bitch.
A little runway of pubes directly above the vagina that carefully catches your cock snot after you pull and bust.
Traditionally it's when a stripper dry-fucks you to weird European techno or kick ass 80's rock "n" roll. I have the most amazing story about my first lap dance. If we can get 100 people to post "Tell me your lap dance story, Adam" on the Draw What?! Facebook page, I will post it up. Trust me, it's fucking amazing.
Slang fo fuckin.
Ingenious slang for an extra wrinkly butthole.
An orgy comprised of senior citizens. I mean like old old. I mean like the type of old where the neck skin hangs so loose it looks like a vagina below the face.
What every guy gets his chick for Valentine's Day. Come on fellas, be original. That woman right there puts your filthy dick in her mouth. She deserves a fucking trip to Bali or diamond fucking slippers or some shit. Step up.
WD-40 for genitals.
An acronym for MOM I'D LIKE TO FUCK.
Isn't this the kid from Kriss Kross who died? Or was that Daddy Mac? Fuck, now I want a Big Mac for some reason. Damn my brain.
Condoms for well endowed humanoids.
Make it rain:
The act of making money rain down upon a group of people - usually strippers - I'm not rich enough to make it rain, but I have been known to make it hail, which means I just throw change at people.
Slang for cock spunk or gorilla tears, or dick glue, or semen.
A giant male appendage that sounds like it's about to dance the tango.
When a man tucks his cock n bulls in between his legs, making it appear as though he has a vagina from the front and Godzilla-like hemorrhoids in the back.
Slang for Chris Hemsworth's penis. He sure is dreamy.
A place where you make huge deposits with your money stick.
Pretty much any place east of San Bernardino and west of Vegas.
The man that showed us fucking children is wrong...unless you're like really super famous.
When your penis resembles a pistachio in both length and girth.
When a little person gives you an old fashioned. (Side note: Your dick will look huge!)
A bunch of little people going to town on one another.
Mile high club:
The act of fucking in an airplane while it sails that big blue ocean in the sky.
The only way your grandpa ever banged your grandma. Your poor granny, I bet she would have loved a doggy pounding with a hair pull, maybe a gentle hand choker from time to time. Oh well.
You know the chick in elementary school that was always jealous of what you had for lunch and would take it when you weren't looking? Well, this is that bitch all grown up and instead of Push Pops, she's taking your man's dick.
BEST NIGHT EVER.
Money over Bitches:
Ahh, glorious hip hop references. This clever adage comes from men placing more importance on monetary gains than the need for female companionship.
Money Talks, Bullshit Walks:
This one is pretty self explanatory, even though money can't talk and bullshit actually can't walk either.
When a fat dude got titties
What rednecks drink, and it will fuck you the fuck up!!!
The visual effect made by a man's separated testicles (but intact beanbag) when he free balls it while wearing jeans or shorts that are too tight. Due to the extreme compression of skin created by the poorly fitting clothing, his man bits no longer resemble circular sperm factories, but rather the engorged knuckles of Alaska's favorite member of the deer family.
When a guy wakes up with an erection. Otherwise known as the reason I have to clean pee off my bathroom floor every morning. You will never understand the struggle ladies, but peeing with a boner is almost impossible. You have to stand like five feet away from the toilet, estimate that your trajectory will hit the bowl, then bend your cock in half so it's no longer admiring the ceiling. Even after taking all these precautionary steps, it might as well be like someone popped a piss-filled water balloon in your bathroom. It literally defies physics how pee comes out of your dick. One time, I literally had pee come out of my dick, go up and backwards and hit me in the fucking stomach!! How in the fuck is that even possible?! I'm not saying it's as hard as childbirth, but it's damn close and we have to do it everyday so.... Keep that shit in mind.
Small ass titties.
The only line in Samuel L. Jacksons movies.
Rubbing your face in ample boobage.
Mud Baby! Ahhh we are most certainly going to get letters about this one. A mud baby is a mixed race baby. For you Harry Potter fans, its like a Muggle with out the magic.
A cocktail of semen and poo.
Someone who licks up on tha va-jajules
When someone wears jeans that are so tight it pushes their love handles out the top, thus resembling muffins. No joke needed -- the visual is hilarity enough.
A baby that has died at birth or sometime after and is stuffed with drugs and given to a woman who pretends it's her child in order to smuggle drugs across the border...what a doll, I'm sarcastically talking about the women not the baby…. even though at that time it kinda is too.
When a mustached gentleman allows a naked woman to sit on his face and wiggle.
When you want to be close to Harambe one last time.
The act of fucking a dead person.......WTF!
What every doctor tells you before you get a shot and every woman hopes her man never tells her in bed before sex "close your eyes this won't hurt a bit, you're just going to feel a tiny prick".
Michael Jackson's Bunny Ranch.
Janet Jackson's legacy.
A sex toy that clamps down on the nipples.
Pom poms for your ta ta's.
No Pants Dance:
Sophomoric slang for sex.
Proof that bat shit crazy motherfuckers are genetically predisposed to having bad haircuts.
Nut up or Shut up:
Um I know this expression means like, "Step up and be a man or stop complaining", but to me I just hear "Cum or stop talking".
Proof that America loves football more than white women.
A hand job, or a drink at a bar.
Fun math challenge: Ask your chick how many one-night stands she has ever had, multiply it by 13 and you will arrive at the actual number of random dicks that have caressed her inner walls. Dudes ask your Bro how many one-night stands he has had. Divide that by 8 and you will arrive at the actual number of random bar chicks that lying sack of shit has actually banged.
Its like a party where everyone is inside of ANYONE.
Osama Bin Laden:
Is the reason we can't sneak drugs onto a plane anymore.
What smart musicians do before their records start to dip.
That time of month where your sweet little girlfriend turns into a fire-breathing demon who cascades tsunamis of bitchery over your frightened and shivering body. The only way to kill this demon, you ask? Ben and Jerry's coupled with a healthy dose of keeping your fucking mouth shut.
Mr. Miyagi's go-to move for sex training.
"Why do you want to listen to the stereo while you're watching T.V.?" "Cause I like to party" shake n bake.
A big bowl of juice laced with booze.
When a dude leaves a string of small pearl-like semen deposits across someone's neck.
A good argument for government mandated castration.
A device for people who believe adding vacuum pressure to your dick will make it bigger. (Spoiler alert: it won't.)
My kinda people.
You see children, back before there was Facetime, or Snapchat, or I.M., or the internet, or skype, people had to use this device known as a phone -- not an iPhone, but a phone -- and they would call to hear a large Samoan woman describe herself as a petite blond with big tits and a small waist while breathing heavily into the phone while they tugged on their unit.
Touching up on a dick.
I'm not sure I know this one. So I'm just gonna say ugly chicks. That seems kinda harsh, right? I mean, everyone is beautiful; unfortunately, most people aren't attractive. Ohh, cops. how did I miss that?
Slang for a power bottom.
An entrepreneur who makes his living in the lucrative vagina trade.
How a pimp asserts his dominance. I've personally always been more of a catch-more-bees-with-honey-type of person but to each their own.
Good movie, better weed.
Pitching a tent:
When a dude pops a chub in his pants, creating a tent-like aesthetic.
When Plan A (pull out and jizz on her stomach) doesn't work, and you sober up in the morning and realize how miserable life would be to have a love child with this fugly creeper. So it's straight off to Planned Parenthood to eat a pill that's not just going to make your night better, but the rest of your life.
The only chicks who can get away with posing nude in a magazine with out it being labeled porn.
A sex toy that is a plastic portable vagina you keep in your pocket. If your life really requires that you have one of these, please seek counseling. There is a better way to live.
A small vibrator that chicks carry around with them. If your life requires you to have one of these, call me.
God we are really laying into the gays, aren't we? Geez. Alright, I would just like to say that the reason we have things like bull dyke and pole jockey in here is they are just really funny things to draw out. Like, draw a pole then draw a jockey. Fucking hilarity. But in all honesty, we love the gays and we really appreciate everyone involved just being good sports here. What is life without the ability to laugh at the ugly things like bigotry, racism and rape jokes. Love, respect and peace to all, especially the pole jockeys.
When someone enjoys living the life of a pony.
Pop a cherry:
A term used when a girl breaks her hymen. Or when someone (or something) else does it for her.
A salty whore that pop in and out of bed with multiple lovers' night after night.
What my grandma collects???
Unlike being a prostitute who gets paid to have sex, which is illegal, a porn star gets paid to have sex whilst being filmed which is totally legal. God bless America.
Brownies with pot in them. If you eat too many, you may call the cops on yourself.
Someone who smokes copious amounts of doobage.
Slang for vagina that I made up myself thank you very much.
A drinking game where you have to take a shot of alcohol every minute for a full hour. The last time I played this, I wet my bed. My chick was pissed. Figuratively and very literally.
When a dude busts before he even breaches the entrance of your vagina.
Arts and crafts meets penitentiary.
A type of dessert that became very unpopular after their spokesperson raped a bunch of women.
What your dad should have done.
When a man is so intoxicated by a woman's pussy he does whatever she asks him to.
A drinking game in where you bounce quarters into a shot glass. (Cue "Summer of '69", by Brian Adams. "those were the best days of my life".)
When the small unicorn that lives inside your vagina sneezes.
Slang for a quick bang session. This is really only applicable to women because anything after two pumps is a new record for most dudes.
What Justin Bieber does to my ears.
Lawyer: "No Mr Sandusky, A rape whistle is to draw attention to a rape in progress, not to call kids off the field to participate in one"
Jerry: "My bad"
A horrendous turd shooter of a human being who doesn't even deserve to be referred to as a piece of shit. #BrockTurner
I assume what gangsters in the 1920's would say to insult someone.
Referring to traditional sex, where there isn't a piece of chemically laced latex choking the life and sensation out of your dick.
When someone puts their finger in your butt while going down on you. For me, the success of this move is highly dependent on finger choice. I'm not going to smack away a kinky pinky, but you try to give me your old tack pusher of a thumb in my bum, we's gonna have an issue.
An old school movie about getting high.
When a chick rides your dick facing away from you. An optimum position for lazy dudes with an ugly girlfriend.
The noble act of licking the butthole or feverishly tonguing one's partner's balloon knot.
When a guy is receiving head while driving, I say guy because this move is virtually impossible to perform on a female, unless your face is the seat of the car.
Rock out with your cock out:
What I am doing right the fuck now.
Slang for someone who is high on Ecstasy or Molly. (Hint: If someone is giving themselves a back rub with the pupils of a great white shark and has told you they love you 45 times in the past 5 minutes, they are rolling and you should be jealous of them.)
Its like the tortilla to the marijuana burrito.
What Bill Cosby calls tic tacs.
Running a train:
When one dick just wont do, when two dicks just wont do, when three dicks just wont do, when four dicks just wont do, when five dicks just wont do, you get where this joke is going and my copier is low on toner so fill in the blanks.
What happens to your dick after you bang your chick while she's having shark week.
Watch Pulp Fiction, the scene with the gimp. That's pretty much in the vicinity of what we are talking about here.
When a dude busts in your mouth without warning you first.
A party with only dudes. Or a super delicious festival in Germany.
When someone is deceitful for their own benefit and your own disadvantage.
OH M GEEEZ! An amazing show starring Kerry Washington.
As if shitting on someone wasn't enough, here comes the Scat Olympics to actually make it a competitive sport. I wonder if people can get sponsored. Like by Colon Blow or Ex Lax.
When two vaginas make out with each other, creating a scissoring effect with the legs.
This can be a good thing, or a very bad thing. Good if you are there by your own choice, bad if you wake up here and see the man from the parking lot at the grocery store who asked you if his napkin smelt like chloroform.
Sex on the beach:
A delicious drink. Actual sex on the beach is a fucking rough hang. Sand is a very painful lube.
Charlie Sheen's house!
A sex toy that combines the adult act of fucking with the childlike whimsy of a playground.
That thing you thought would be such a good idea to make until you watch it. Then you realize you need to hit the fucking gym like ASAP.
This is my impression of what sexting with Shakespeare would be like. "Curious fair maiden, stroke thine dominant hand upon my package, blossoming my erection anew, and do so with such fervent tenacity that I come to fruition all over your splendorous brow." Send.
A prison-made blade used for cutting rats with long tongues who be dropping facts to the jakes.
When you go to fart, but your butthole has other plans and you have to find an un-awkward way to excuse yourself from Thanksgiving dinner and come back with a believable and acceptable excuse as to why you are wearing new pants and have just taken a shower.
Someone who is so fucking wasted that their face looks like they have to take a painful shit.
Shit the Bed:
Slang for blowing a situation so hard that there is no coming back from...much like shitting in bed.
Two in the pink, one in the stink.
The bus all the smart kids ride...shhhhhh we wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
The reason you came into work an hour late and got fired.
A fungus that, if ingested in the appropriate quantity, will take you on a magical and spiritual journey. If ingested in the wrong quantity, it will make you freak the fuck out, get into a kung fu match with a stop sign and run down the street screaming, "I can taste colors!"
When a boob is popping out the sides of a dress or tank top. (RULE: If you are showing side boob, do not get mad if I look at side boob.)
How lazy people bang each other.
Dual hand jobbage.
What is left in your underwear after a night of Korean BBQ.
When something so crazy happens that you feel as though your skull is being fucked.
When someone is forced to do hard labor for no compensation. A person who must bend to the will of their master, who breaks them physically and spiritually. So pretty much any married man.
When a dude sleeps with a chick after she has already had the pound put on her by one of the boys. The last thing your peen sees before it enters the recently pounded remains of a once-fresh va-jee-jay.
A term used by sexually frustrated haters to describe females they are jealous of.
Engaging in fellatio, blow job, giving head. In other words, making your boyfriend very, very happy.
How elementary school kids get turnt.
Soap on a rope:
Literally a piece of soap on a rope. The origin of this term comes from a nugget of prison humor that suggests if you drop the soap in the prison shower, your likelihood of being sodomized will increase exponentially.
Spank the monkey:
A reference to male masturbation. I'm curious to know who ever looked at their dick and went "You know, I'll be, the damned thing looks like a monkey". I mean, honestly. Like, I'm looking at my dick right now and there is no way.....actually, wait a sec. Yeah, nevermind -- I see, fucking thing totally looks like a little monkey.
Masturbating after a monster bong hit.
An overweight woman that feels most at home covered in hordes of semen to only surface for a moment to catch her breath before diving back down into the sea of penises.
The beautiful act of lying side by side with the person you love in a way that resembles spoons in a drawer. What?! Oh you were expecting me to say something horrible. Fuck that noise, I love spooning.
When a woman spreads her legs so wide it pulls her glorious otterbox apart. Aaaaaaand I'm back.
A woman who pees on you when she cums. That's not even a joke; it's science. Google that shit.
That awkward phase between internet porn addict and rapist.
A penis with a left over vaginal residue that has a repugnant odor.
The reason your mans nuts are invisible or that muscular chick you pulled at the gym last week snapped your dick in half when you were pounding her 6 pack vag.
Someone who smokes a fuckton of weed.
A fake dick on a belt, generally used by lesbians to bang each other with.
A fruity strain of Marijuana.
The act of running naked in public, also the best scene in one of the best movies ever.
The delicious hotdog stand outside every sports stadium or the nasty hookers that walk the streets on skid row.
A place for sad dudes who haven't figured out you can see naked chicks on the internet for free.
A woman who is not making the best use of her G.E.D.
Suck a bag of dicks:
When telling someone to suck just one dick simply won't do.
A term for an older gentleman who buys things for a younger woman in exchange for sex. Also, a delicious old school caramel candy they don't make anymore.
A set of breasts that are sweet to suckle upon.
Proof that guys will do anything to bang a virgin.
A strain of marijuana that smells like a skunk.
Referring to someone who is willing to swallow the cum while giving oral sex.
The mucky humid area around your asshole that's filled with a mixture of sweat and anal leakage giving one the effect of walking through a swamp in waist deep water.
A perspiring vagina.
People in a relationship, but they be cool wit fuckin other people doe.
According to Donald Trump, a switchblade is what every 5 year old Mexican boy gets for Christmas.
A medical needle used for injecting medication to heal you or drugs that will ruin your life, but make you look pretty hot and skinny for the first few months.
T.P. for my bunghole:
Toilet paper for a butthole.
Trivia: Who coined the term "T.P for my Bunghole"?
Hint: It's not as easy as you think!
Take one for the team:
You know your super fugly friend? The one you insist on bringing everywhere so you look so much better by comparison. Yeah, well the person you wanna bang's friend is going to have to jump on that human grenade so you two can mash parts.
Taking the Browns to the Superbowl:
Hilarious slang for pooping!
Tall dark and handsome:
Me, wearing platforms and black face.
A cotton cork to stuff in your baby slide that blocks the remains of what would have been a beautiful child from dripping out of you and ruining your brand new underwear.
The device that gives you a tattoo and a lower statistical probability of finding gainful employment.
The sensuous act of lowering your wrinkly ball bag into an open mouth.
A $20 bag of cocaine. Just man up and get a G, there is no way you and your two friends are going to do a line and then go "Well that was fun. No more for me, thank you; lets read a book."
An alcoholic beverage made from cactus that will make you feel like you are invincible and cannot be destroyed.
The sign says Thai Massage, but the staff says human trafficking.
Slang for police.
Underwear that shows off the ass!!
Let me break down the acceptable forms of threesomes:
- 2 chicks and a dude.
- 3 dudes.
- 3 chicks.
That's it. The whole 2 dudes & one chick thing seems more like assault than sex.
Something that seems like it would be amazing, but then it happens and you're kinda just like, "Meh."
Toothless Blow Job:
I've heard the best suck job you'll ever get, even though nobody wants to admit some skank with no teeth had their mouth on his dick.
Tossing a salad:
"Having your salad tossed is having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup". Trivia anyone? Where is that from?
A tattoo on the small of the lower back, that pretty much all say the same thing...."Look mom, you failed!"
A dude that dresses like a chick
Terminology used when one has taken LSD or Mushrooms. One time, I had a conversation with a glass of milk. He was hilarious and delicious.
A leading brand name in making sex lame.
If you're bold enough bang her butt first, puss second. Truffle butter will be the tan buildup on the outside of a va jay jay.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Buttholes are funny.
A sexy dance where women shake their ass, ironically made famous by a skinny white girl who doesn't have one.
Twig and berries:
Hilarious yet childish slang for cock and balls.
Two Girls, One Cup:
An internet video wherein two girls shit into one cup, then eat the shit, then vomit the shit into each other's mouth, then kiss. Honestly, who thinks of this shit?
The act of taking a shit in the upper part of the toilet that has the flusher on it.
The reason you can lie about having herpes.
A device that vaporizes the THC in marijuana. Warning: people who vape will torture you with all the facts as to why its so much healthier for you, like you actually give a fuck. They are like the vegans of weed smoking. They will not shut up about it. Oh fuck and god help you if you find yourself with a vegan who vapes. my advice. Kill yourself. its the only way out.
Hydraulics for your cock.
Vibrating Cock Ring:
A ring that hangs on the base of a man's penis that vibrates.
A plastic sex toy that vibrates.
Vic's Vapor Rub:
Something people rub on themselves when they are sick or rolling BAAAALLLSSS!!
A place that grows grapes that will eventually be peed out of Desiree.
Someone who has never had sexual intercourse. Any dude over the age of 21 who is still a virgin is prime to become the next mass school shooter. So come on ladies, do your part -- save some lives and fuck that awkward creeper while he talks about his Babylon 5 commemorative plate collection.
Someone who gets sexually aroused by watching people who are unaware they are being watched. So pretty much one step shy of stalker; two steps shy of serial killer.
Walk of shame:
The act of walking home from a conquest's house after you bang. Likely covered in shame and some other questionable stains.
Walking in on your parents fucking:
Has kept my therapist gainfully employed since 1994.
It's kinda like snowboarding, but much more painful, not fun at all and nothing like snowboarding.
Clever slang for a dick.
Slang for marijuana.
Westboro Baptist Church:
The hideous offspring of religion and retardation.
When your dreams make you cum.
Wet t-shirt contest:
A contest where women wear white shirts that get sprayed with water to expose their titties. The woman with the most popular titties wins. I don't know why, but this feels pretty white trash to me.
Kim Kardashian at the end of her sex tape.
The act of stroking your penis to the point it sneezes on your hands, then you go and check your ex's Facebook page and get depressed. Damn, that bitch looks happy.
What saved Harrison Ford's career after STAR WARS.
Whip your meat out:
The act of pulling out your cock with the confidence of Kanye West.
When you are so drunk that no one can get your dick hard. Not even you.
A person who thinks minorities are an abomination of nature, but somehow fucking their sister is okay.
Whitney Houston Taking a Bath:
The reason black people are afraid of the water.
The reason Tina sang so well. Or, a trailer park uniform, usually stained with Pabst Blue Ribbon, semen and a Big Gulp.
An alcoholic beverage made from fermented grapes. Fun Fact: This beverage is solely responsible for Desiree's ability to tolerate living with me.
Long, distended vagina lips.
The dried up flakes of poo left on a penis after anal sex.
The act of masturbating at work. What I may or may not do after lunch every day.
When your flu symptoms cause you to crash your car.
From the Latin "zoo," meaning animals; and "philia" meaning "loves to fuck." Zoophilia is the act of loving to fuck animals.